As my first post of 2016, I wanted to share something in the way of a review of the previous year, not only as a means of welcoming in the coming months, but by evaluating the ebbs and flows of 2015 in retrospect, being able to appreciate the moments of goodness in a year that largely wasn’t without its obstructions and resulting emotional turbulence. Although a consideration of this kind was initially my intention, to commit these instances to writing would be, in part, to relive them in order to convey what was truly so unsettling about them, which is something I do not wish to do. I know their form and nature so well in my body and heart that realising them in text would not only be needless, but it would also give them more recognition and authority than they deserve, more hold over me than they have already had, so, in the spirit of not bringing these things forward with me, I have set myself upon another approach.
2015, as I have mentioned, was an unsteady year, however, it was also the year that this blog came to be and, is being given continual life by all of the things that I choose to post and share upon it. This occurrence marked the first time in my life that I had embarked on assigning my thoughts to writing in a way that could be considered frequent, allowing me to share my views with others outside of just those in my direct vicinity. Although it has not yet been exactly a year since I started, March being the true anniversary of this blog, the calendrical turn of time has presented me with the opportunity to contemplate from a different perspective, to muse upon a year online and the experiences I have had throughout.
I never thought that I would decide to articulate myself in the way that I have done on here so far, conveying facets of myself online through the things that I post, all of which are representations of parts me, but which do not stand, individually, for me as a whole. I hadn’t ever considered that I would have the confidence to convey what I have so far in the manner that I have done, being happy that what I have shared encapsulates and preserves my thoughts and feelings at the time that it was written, for as long as this blog continues to exist in the way that it does right now. My apprehensions towards vocalising certain things still rise out of where they did before, a desire not to allow certain individuals to exert power over me through being allowed access to my innermost dealings and, often, the chasm of uncomplimentary feelings that I sense towards them in response. I won’t go into it too much, but as much as I am granted with my blog the freedom to share, uninhibitedly, whatever I want to about my life and what I have experienced in it so far, the fact of all of this being provided to me on a very public platform comes with the caveat of being restricted in what I can share in order to protect certain details about my life that would only be exploited were they accessed by unfavourable and undeserving people. Further to this is also the curtailing of these details in order to protect others who would be at risk of severe mental and emotional distress if I were to open up about past experiences, so, no matter how much it seems that I am able to and want to resonantly howl, burning inside about how much I want these people to take responsibility for their actions and the effects that they have had on the lives of others, even with the most liberating resource to hand, I am hampered. The wonderful thing about any kind of personal expression, though, is that you can allow people to see what you want them to see, regardless of the platform on which this is done, but even with the infringements to my openness online as I have already explained, I know, however, that anything I do and have done I have expressed with wholehearted, unconcealed honesty, which is something I am incredibly grateful for and hope to continue to do.
To anyone who knows me personally, or anyone who may have become acquainted with me through reading my posts, the variety of media I choose to share is, I think, as encompassing as it is eclectic. I do not claim to be, nor ever do I try to project myself as the most interesting and engaging person on the planet, but I do know that some of the things I have said and issues that I have commented on over the past year have resonated with people in some way, if not through receiving feedback from them personally, then through the repeat visitors that come to my site for whatever reason makes them do so. I must put forward that it is not frequency, though, that is important to me, but the thought that I may have affected the life of someone through something that I have shared or said that holds a significant place in my heart. If, in a World of over seven billion people, my words might have stirred something positive or affected the spirits of those who have encountered them in some way, then I am satisfied and grateful in myself that I have used my human qualities in a productive manner within the previous year, regardless of how success or accomplishment might be quantified by others in a more conventional and materialistic way. For me personally, the self-belief that I have gained through vocalising my thoughts and being firm in my convictions has allowed me to stand up and begin to reclaim my character and image from those who have for so long used them in vain, for nothing other than their own preservation of interest and to further their own image through the abuse of mine. This is all still very much a work in progress, as we all are as human beings, but I hope to grow further in person and in spirit over the coming year and am inexplicably grateful to those who have stood by me unwaveringly. A happy and wonderful 2016 full of love, light, heart, harmony and unmitigated humanity to you all- may the New Year be kind to every one of us ♡.