The writing hiatus that came around during the latter part of 2016 seems to have ended, I think and, I sincerely hope with the greatest part of me. It was not an intended break. I spoke in a previous post about writings in other places that were not in view of the online world; although even they were minimal, they were present, to some degree, during my inadvertent time away. As many artists of any description know, creating something is all about feeling and, if you don’t feel, then you cannot create- it is not something that can be forced or coerced out of you, it has to feel right to you at the time. It is not that I suddenly became devoid of all emotion towards the end of the year, gratefully, nothing remotely close to that, but I did notice within myself that I had checked-out of certain trains of thought, certain patterns of thinking, that had been ingrained in me for a number of years, which were, still are and, always will be connected to very real events, but for which, for my own sake, I came to the end of my active and painful concern. This internal shift, I feel, was an entirely natural culmination to my relationship with these things- it is not to say that the emotions associated no longer exist and that the events no longer bear any relevance to my life or person, or that I will never revisit or think of them again, but I do feel, profoundly, their effect recognisably diminished, perhaps as, after such arduous and prolonged struggle with them, I had become tired, in every way, of their heaviness on me, so this alignment of a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual reaction meant that I broke off, like an iceberg, from the mass to which I had been unwillingly bound and, am now beautifully adrift in the expanse of silence that has been revealed in the absence of these thoughts.
As I mentioned, this act of untethering freed up a vast amount of space inside my mind. The exhaustion that had enlarged and inhabited- and inhibited- consuming insidiously from within since my mid-teens, ever gaining more traction and momentum whenever memories and thoughts from occurrences before returned to me and tormented me, had disintegrated- although this circumstance was and, is, overall, wildly liberating, the achievement of it towards the end of the year affected my desire to embrace and my ability to express, meaning that I was not able to immerse myself in the season as I would have liked. As my feelings at the time were not conducive to being open in this way- I did not feel particularly invigorated by anything- the festivities in December passed me by, which I accepted and did not worry about further. I know that I felt this way as the moving out of damaging thoughts did not mean that affirmative ones would immediately come flooding in- I realised the need for adjustment after being oppressed for so long- but, taking with me the things I learned through the experience, it is not a sensation I wish to relive or repeat, as I want to embrace the goodness of life in its entirety and to never have to sacrifice it to sate anyone’s begrudging behest.
It is far easier and fundamentally more rewarding when you are able to focus on the things that you need to do and your desires and ambitions for your own life without the din of incessant, emotionally-draining behaviours and the enforcement of so-called obligation, which only ever exists to serve the handful of individuals putting it forward, in order to control your reactions through the reinforcement of guilt and, only ever culminates in a negative effect on you. My health, my life and those of the people I love and care about around me are far more important to me than continually being at the end of this emotional leeching that internally rots everybody. Nobody ever benefits from or is nourished by living inside of the maelstrom, they never have and, any chance of true love and happiness has been drowned by those who choose to live within it. The spirit I wish to take forward into this year is living outside of the storm and living, finally, without even the tremors of its presence forcing their way into my life again and submerging all that is light and hopeful in my being. Thank you for reading in 2016, I look forward to continuing in sharing with you, unreservedly, in 2017.