To Show You All Of My Heart And Hold You In Mine: What It Means To Me To Be Human, And Alive.

Are we destined to not form strong connections with people?

Forever offering ourselves up on an emotional platter, giving and wanting to give ourselves, heart and soul, to people, but not being taken in and enjoyed in all our flavour and glory? I am not thrilled by perpetual pursuit or chase, I want to be embraced- welcome me, know me, love me, give me a home in your heart. 

Have my experiences left me so scarred that I cannot see the value of coasting along, if, indeed, there is value from it to be derived? Am I so much a searcher in deeper and progressive experience and meaning that the lightness of prolonged frivolity is lost on me; drawn-out, plateaued interaction?

Too many times have I been held at arm’s length, revelled in, enjoyed, but only when it suits other people. I detest feeling like I am at the end of a yo-yo or a bungee cord, routinely being pulled back and forth by people who can’t decide how they feel about me or how they want to react to me, hoping that I will indefinitely hang around until they arrive at a stable conclusion, whether or not they do or decide to do. I’m not like that: I hate non-committal relationships. 

It’s not always a matter of life and death, but, rather, it is always a matter of life for me and the choice of where and how I want to place my energy and what I would rather be doing in my time. I am not a trinket to be habitually taken out and then placed back into storage, I am a person with thoughts, actions and reactions and a heart that seeks to be nourished and appreciated with the same purity and passion it has to give, as near to an equal footing as you can get. If you want me, take all of me and not just the things you desire to take in your own time-frame at your convenience. I am not a bag of pick and mix and I certainly don’t treat others that way. You cannot just select and take what you would rather have, what you enjoy the most and indulge in it without replenishing or regarding my emotions: I am loyal, but I won’t hang around infinitely to provide you with an ego boost, when my feelings and person are dismissed and I am continually neglected. I am a live being, not a wall or a one-sided experience.

I respect people and their structures and boundaries, but aren’t those structures made to enforce isolationism and separatism from others and their lives?

You can have a partner, children, pets, whatever, but you can live with these things blissfully whilst also in fluidity with others, mutually understanding and caring for what people want and need and them for you and, not treating people like they are an inconvenience or an imposition. It requires an open heart and ability to be unflinchingly honest with yourself, so that you can also be with others, which, from what I sense and have been exposed to, is where the resistance to it and hesitance lies. You can move together with people in life and grow, entwined and connected and we can help each other become the best embodiment of ourselves, whoever we are and want to be, by nurturing each other and living like we are all here together, because we are.

What about what I want for my life, what I want to take in and embrace and experience in my time?

I stand before you with arms outstretched, waiting for you to run in and take me in yours.

To call upon the words of a man that I love, whose experiences, perspective and evolution through life ignites every part of me and, whose heart I try to keep alive, inspiring my own existence, a person who reconciled and united the fundamental parts of himself and gave home within himself to the intrinsic value of human connection:

“People can change anything they want to and that means everything in the World. People are running about, following their little tracks- I am one of them- but we’ve all gotta stop just following our own little mouse trail. People can do anything, this is something that I am beginning to learn. People are out there doing bad things to each other, it’s because they’re being dehumanised: it’s time to take the humanity back into the centre of the ring and follow that for a time. Breathe, it ain’t going anywhere- they should have that in a big billboard across Times Square. Without people, you’re nothing- that’s my spiel”.

What is the point of living a life where you are rarely, or never honest with yourself about what you think or how you feel about anything and others? What is the purpose of going to great lengths to conceal yourself from the World- is there any reward in it? Yes, you may protect certain parts of yourself and the concerns that you don’t want to share, but to section yourself off so much, to become so entrenched in not showing your emotions or any elemental part of yourself that you spend the best and the rest of your time and efforts forever holding people away, never really letting them know you or you them, so your life becomes labyrinthine, is it truly worth it? I don’t know why so many people are reluctant to feel. What is it they fear- what is it that is going to happen if you open yourself up and allow others into you? “Resist, resist- it’s from yourself you have to hide….” 

I don’t want to run away from myself or spend my time deflecting or disregarding my feelings. Being open in this manner leaves you exposed and, yes, you do get upset and you do get hurt, but what option lies on the other side of that? To become hardened by life? To allow yourself to be stripped of all your kindness, love, humanity and empathy, to become a carapace of a human being, with little or nothing within? These are things that horrify me, things that I cannot harmonise. 

There is strength, absolutely, in vulnerability and the alternatives are so much worse to me. None of this is an invitation or a free-pass to take advantage of me or anyone else, at any time. You don’t have to put up an impenetrable defence around your heart in order to protect yourself: in doing so, of course, you hold the control of not letting anyone in, but you also place yourself within the peril of not letting yourself- your self- out and I will not compromise myself in that way and cannot coherently conceive why anyone would do that to themselves, willingly stifle and damage themselves and their ability to express and share themselves with the World in this way. I have never regretted being truthful about my emotions. I have felt it and feel it making me a better person in the person that I want to be, who I know I am, solidifying and reinforcing me and everything I am and can be. At the end of my life, I want people to have known me and to have embraced and affected them in a significant way and to have held the World truly and warmly in my heart. Myself is all I have to give you and I want you to wholeheartedly welcome that. There is room in our hearts for everyone- I want us to value each other, to add breadth and meaning to our lives and to help and delight in each other’s growth and person, and to move each other, eternally, for isn’t this truly how we will all live forever?

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