Ciona Speaks, #1.

I started this blog over a year ago with the intention of it being a place where I could share aspects of my life in forms that would otherwise not have an outlet outside of a diary, or a notebook, that would only ever be used for and seen by myself. The public exposure of every innermost thought and working, mine or anyone else’s, by itself, does not entice me, but the knowledge and awareness of the incredible positivity and healing that comes from the unity of sharing things that you think and feel, through whatever medium, is something that I am an advocate of and, the world we live in today provides us with the power to connect with people through various platforms: often in those places, you find something to which you relate and a sense of togetherness through common experience, of not being alone, more readily than you might do waiting to meet someone and share something face-to-face.

I share a variety of things on here that can be viewed widely by an expansive audience, but I am the one in control of what I say and how much I share regarding anything at any time. However, I am aware that making things available online does open me and the thoughts I share up to the criticisms and views of whoever comes across them, regardless of how much or how little I say; although I always endeavour to be honest and open about the things I think, clear and not misleading about the way I feel, not being in control of how these things are interpreted by others is something I am always mindful of, especially when it brings in judgements and viewpoints that I know already exist about me from various sources and, particularly when it relates to something personal that I may want to talk about. The latter is not something I do very often and, even then, there is a deliberate level of detachment between me and the topics discussed for the reason of not giving too much away, however, I would like to change this as, although I am aware that I have an audience, both understanding and not understanding of what I try to convey, I don’t see why I cannot use my own blog to document my more personal thoughts and views relating to no subjects other than my personal life and my experiences, for me and for the wider awareness of the matters within them.

I wanted, firstly, to draw attention to the distinction between having control over what I express and how those expressions are received by others as it is something, I feel, that limits me from addressing a number of things due to the thought of who might read them and, the fear of the consequences that might derive from specific individuals following certain discussions or revelations on here from myself. I mentioned in my first post of this year, the summary I wrote about my first year of dedicated blogging and to mark the transition into 2016, that I felt restricted from discussing particular things, thematically, by my responsibility to and care for certain people, matters that are important for me to address for my own peace of mind and well-being, but which I continually find myself unable to do because of the repercussions that might follow for those that I love and, for myself by extension, due to the negative reactions and behaviours from certain people that I have come to anticipate from my own knowledge and prolonged personal experience of them. I find myself suppressed by the potential actions of a number of people from openly discussing and sharing important things because I not only fear, but wholeheartedly know that the individuals to which I refer are unreasonable and volatile and will seek and use any excuse they can to validate their actions and, will justify ruining someone else’s life and the lives of those attached to them and making associated threats if what is shared compromises their interests and the image they wish to convey and uphold of themselves to others, even if it is the truth of who they are and of what they have done to myself and others. The weight of not being able to address these issues by confronting the people involved is damaging me, not simply in the present tense, but I have been negatively affected by them since the circumstances occurred and onward from that point, though the point wasn’t really defined as it rose out of a culmination of connected events over a sustained period of time.

Although I have been forced to maintain silence to protect other people and my associations and life with them, I know that by doing this my mental and emotional states have been and, are continuously being compromised, as I am not able to bring to trial, in a manner of speaking, those whose behaviours have irreversibly impacted my life. The unwillingness and outright refusal of these people to accept responsibility for their actions and face up to the facts that their treatment of me has been the cause of harmful realities, things that I have to deal with as a result of their direct torment, has eaten away at and mutilated my ability, in many ways, to sense myself, my self-esteem and, has made me question the validity of my life on numerous occasions, not only from their personal involvement in things, but also from the way they have reacted towards me regarding other situations in my life. I feel, because of these things, that I am now having to rebuild myself and doing so is straining and exhausting as these experiences are so entrenched within me that I regularly get lost in the mess of them; any progress that I make feels like it is derailed as I am living with the repetition of the effects that these events have had on me and, these people’s inability to accept what has happened to me because of them doesn’t allow me to move on from them at all. They have less control over me than they did when I was around them, but the fallout of their behaviour still controls me in a big way and I want it to diminish completely.

I have been honest more than once with these people about how I feel and, even if it had only been once, they should have understood the gravity of what I was saying and not been dismissive or frighteningly hostile towards me about it. As people who claim to be smart and behave as if knowing about everything, to the point of aggression if challenged about anything, to blame me for not explaining every little thing to them when they could have used their own perception, drawn from their own knowledge and experiences of life, or, plainly, just asked me about how I was feeling and what I thought about a myriad of things makes me feel damaged and stripped, especially when they said and stand by saying that I never told them anything or made anything known about how I was feeling, when I did, repeatedly, but they ignored me because they didn’t want to pay attention to it or acknowledge that anything was happening and, still don’t want to acknowledge or recognise it. I felt so isolated, unwanted and unhappy as I had done so many times before for various, but related reasons, funnily enough involving the same people and, even when I said that I wanted to leave, they tried to condemn it and they wouldn’t let me- they didn’t want me to stay for any good reason, but they were vehement about not letting me leave, for many reasons undisclosed, but, from what I can infer, for the reason of it ruining the idea of a reality that they wanted to preserve or attain, even though the pursuit of it was unrealistic and didn’t work as it didn’t and wouldn’t ever exist and, became increasingly harmful to me and visibly so as time went on. Of the reasons vocalised for not letting me go, they were united in their suggestions that I wouldn’t make it on my own or survive without them and they tried their damnedest to make sure that I couldn’t go, chipping away at my person and sense of reason in every way that they could so I could not speak out or defend myself and had, in my mind, nowhere to go- I sincerely concluded, at one point, that if I ever did have the chance to leave that environment, that I would not be alive when it happened. 

Where these people were supposed to have supported me and tried to understand why I made certain decisions based on my own perspective and desires for my own life, particularly regarding their knowledge of certain low points in my life (again, because of the actions of other people), I feel that they instead used these situations as opportunities to substantiate their growing and existing unfavourable thoughts about me and bring them to the surface, proceeding to continually shout me down, swear at me and to bully and manipulate me in my vulnerability on my own to protect themselves and their own interests and to, ultimately, stop me from doing what I wanted to and had to do. The problem with my feelings towards them is that, even though they treated me so reprehensibly, made me question my own safety around them and have mutated my natural responses into something unpredictable and uncontrollable as a result, not to mention their threats and behaviour towards other people I love, because I care about them and their well-being based on their relationship to me and, part of my identity and life so far being tied up in it, I do still love them. I alluded in my previous blog post to an ambivalence that I have and the above is the conflict to which I refer, a large part of it anyhow. I always have loved them in a true and pure way, but no accepted relationship, blood-tie or otherwise, excuses or condones the ill-treatment of anyone, regardless of how you may be related to them. Just because you may share DNA, a name, or anything, with someone does not mean that you have the right to control somebody’s life, or dictate the way that a person’s life pans out because you think you have some sort of relationship-based authority over them. You don’t. You don’t have the right to push anyone in any direction, especially in the interests of fulfilling what you think they should do based on what you want for them, as they may want something else entirely for themselves. And, even if your interests don’t really differ that much, you have no right to try and influence somebody either way, especially negatively and to the contrary of what they seek and see for themselves. What somebody wants for themselves is important and, just because you don’t agree with it as you don’t think they’re the ‘right age’ (even if they’re an adult of 22), or you don’t think they should ever have the things that they want, like a family or a place of their own, or to live where they want to with whom they want to live with, or whatever it may be, because you don’t want to deal with the reality of someone growing up and determining things without your consultation is not for you to decide and, it is out of order for you to try or want to control it because you think that a person being happy is a preposterous and unattainable ambition.

As far as I can be, I have always been lucid about what I want for myself, my aspirations, dreams and desires. If certain people have not listened or have repeatedly chosen to ignore them and to trivialise them and me as they conflict with their ideas and unreal visions of how they want things to be, often savagely denying their hand in things and the mistakes in their and others’ lives because of themselves, then these things are not my fault, nor should I or anyone else have to pay for them in any way, but I am and, I know that other people have and still are because these people repeatedly refuse to accept culpability and responsibility for their actions. Even if what I want changes and, changed then through various causes, it was not and is not up to them to try and direct me in any way or to involve themselves and take charge of things (when it suits them and, in a way that is convenient for them, might I add) if something I want, something that felt right for me and I was sure of in myself at the time, changes; they have no right to involve themselves, especially when they have dropped in and out of involvement when it has suited them for my entire life so far and, have never answered honestly for anything, to myself or anyone else, when asked. They have no right to choose or dictate who I turn to or when and how much I involve other people in my life, those are all my decisions to make and they cannot just assume responsibility or participation, significantly when they have chosen not to be present in my life, actively, on insurmountable occasions. I am sick to the point of exasperation at people and things, passive ‘motivational’ sayings, telling people how they should ‘move on’ and ‘let go’ of damaging experiences when they have no idea about the details of them or how these experiences have affected the individual, or, actually, how they would set about dealing with them if they did. It is almost laughable that these people think that applying a formula to everyone through treating them as case-studies and uttering such thoughtless, pseudo-philosophical phrases that suggest that the cause for any pain or suffering in life is the person themselves and, that it is their fault if it carries on because they are ‘choosing’ to hold on to it is acceptable in any way. If the absolute danger in this mentality was not existent, then I would omit the ‘almost’, however, to state that any negativity and reaction to negativity in somebody’s life is caused by them alone is detestable and completely malignant. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is a person’s fault what happens in their life and there are so many examples to support this, but where people have been abused, either physically, emotionally or in any other way, this manner of thinking is as disgusting as it is inexcusable, as people cannot ‘move on’ if those who have caused them such physical, mental and emotional anguish do not own up to and apologise sincerely for their actions.

The chance to repair relationships and heal wounds cannot be achieved without understanding of the effects of behaviour on a person’s psyche and the humility to acknowledge and accept that you have been irrefutably wrong, to the point where you have jeopardised someone else’s health and life. The desire to want to change a situation must come from within you, but if it doesn’t and your actions continue to follow destructively and in accordance with indifference and absence of empathy, then you cannot seriously be surprised if a person, the one you have caused so much pain and suffering, no longer wants to know you for fear that they will lose more of themselves and their life than they already have and, that the only way for them to have any beneficial quality of life and to achieve happiness is to not have anything to do with you at all.

I don’t ever wish for anyone to be in pain and I never want anyone to be in any kind of pain. To not be able to share anything, neither sorrow nor happiness, with these people upsets me incredibly and my capacity for empathy and compassion has, if anything, grown from thinking of and wanting to know the life experiences that have caused these people to be this way, to others and to me, but, as much as I sincerely love and care about them, I cannot go forward or experience anything with them until they admit to all of the things they have done and honestly receive and accept that they have affected me and others and, I also cannot address or change the things that have made them this way for them, they must accept that they need help and need to change within themselves. Only they can decide to do something about the way they are by opening up about the experiences that may have damaged them and, also listen to and accept how they have damaged others, but I know from consistent experience that they don’t have this within them and that they don’t have the capacity to be truthful to themselves or to anyone around them about anything, so they might go on thinking that I and others are punishing them and that they are always so hard done by, but they will never strike a glance to nor sustain the thought of what they may have done to harm anyone else, what they may have done to harm me, in order to be treated in this way. I have tried to reach out to them and I have so much tried to involve them my life, but it always ends up in the same detrimental way: nothing I have ever done or do is good enough for them and they have chosen to omit themselves from my life through their actions, but I know they will never consider that this is what it could be and will never think that they are in the wrong or that they have anything, years of things, to answer for as, in their eyes, they don’t think that there is, as it is always somebody else’s fault and never theirs.

I can’t fix or change their lives for them. I can’t make them cease the behaviours that have also made them waste and destroy their own lives through the irreparable breakdowns of their relationships with others and the neglect of their own health due to their lack of care and responsibility for themselves and, the failure to accept or recognise that they may be going through something for which they need help, but won’t ever ask for it because they never think they need it, nor can I erase the harm caused to the well-being and functionality of others, including me, for having to carry the burden of their abuse in our minds and in our souls. Only they can stop, but I know they won’t and will perpetuate and continue living in the cycle of toxicity and destruction, expecting that others will come back to it and do the same, keep on going back to them to feed it and to live it over and over again. But I won’t do that, that will not be me again and I decided that a long time ago. I have had too much, I have had enough.

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